Phunky
by Phantomess of the Opera
Summary: Ok, we'll try this again. I think I have the problem fixed. Raoul is a Gangsta, Christine's a Valley Girl, Erik's stuck in the middle. Poor thing. Special appearance by Carlotta as the drag queen.
1. Act 1

Hullo all! I don't own any of these people. Don't own any of the other stuff I reference in this phic. If you got a question or concern about this here phic, just drop me a note. "send it C/o the Ghost by return of post. -PTO"  
  
Christine: (Now a Valley Girl, singing her ditzy little heart out) Like, "Think of me, think  
  
of me fondly"...Oh, like, I don't feel so good! (faints)  
  
(Back in her dressing room)  
  
Raoul: (Now a Gansta poser) Yo yo, Chrissy, ma chizzle. Wassup? (Makes stupid  
  
looking hand gestures in accordance with his mindlessly spouted drivel)  
  
Christine: Wow! It's like, you! (A loud and conspicuous throat clearing is heard behind  
  
the mirror) Oh, damn. I mean, like...who the hell are you?  
  
Raoul: Yo! I be R to the Aoul, babe!  
  
Christine: (Confused) Like, what?  
  
Raoul: Um, it's me, Raoul. We used to hang back in the 'hood.  
  
Christine: Like, you're really cute and all but I don't remember you saving my scarf and  
  
all that junk at all....  
  
Raoul: Duuuude. Um, so ya wanna get some eats an' go for a lil trip in ma sweet ride? I  
  
be bling-blingin'!  
  
Christine: (blinks) Like, I don't have any idea what you just said. But, I'll like, talk to the  
  
little voice in my head and ask if I can. But, he's like, soooooo uptight. (a muffled "bitch"  
  
is heard from behind the mirror)  
  
Raoul: Little voice? Huh?  
  
Christine: Like, the Angel of Music. Hello! Buh-bye! DUH!  
  
Raoul: Whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis?  
  
Christine: Who's Willis?  
  
Raoul: Nevermind.  
  
Christine: Anywho, like, Daddy sent me the Angel from, like, Heaven. An' he's been,  
  
like, y'know, teaching me and junk.  
  
Raoul: Dats coo'. Yo I'ma gonn go change my threads is goin' out o' style. Catch ya on  
  
the streets in 5 ma sweet thang.  
  
Christine: Wha?  
  
Raoul: I hassa go ask my big bro if I can go out tonight. I'll come get you in 5 minutes,  
  
suga.  
  
Christine: Oh. Like, why didn't you just say so?  
  
Raoul: Yo suga muffin, I gots me a image to maintain. (tries to look studly. Fails  
  
miserably, and trips on his way out while attempting a punk boyband move)  
  
Erik: (Um, yeah. Well Erik doesn't really have a stereotype, 'cause he's Erik. So I just did  
  
a little tweeking. Have mercy!) Jesus, who was that jackass?  
  
Christine: Um, like, he was, like a friend when I was little. An' now, I think he's like, so  
  
hot and junk.  
  
Erik: Forget that MTV reject. He could never do for you what I can.  
  
Christine: But, he has, like, a REALLY nice ass!  
  
Erik: (sighs) Sometimes you just have to do things the hard way. Come with me. (Opens  
  
the mirror)  
  
Christine: Like, this won't, like involve drugs and booze will it?  
  
Erik: Of course not. That would be wrong. (flash cheesy after-school- special smile. Teeth  
  
sparkle)  
  
Christine: Like, OK! (hops through the mirror with waaay too much pep for a normal  
  
human being)  
  
Erik: (does a little "hell yes" move and closes the mirror) Follow me, I have the most  
  
kickass lair downstairs.  
  
Christine: Got cable?  
  
Erik: Satelite with a TiVo system.  
  
Christine: Let's go!  
  
Erik: (showing her around the lair)....And that's the kitchen--I'm a fabulous cook by the  
  
way--and that door is the rec room, and that one's the torture chamber.  
  
Christine: Damn. What's that do?  
  
Erik: A little something I like to call non-stop Richard Simmons. (sexy evil grin) So, you  
  
want to watch a movie or something?  
  
Christine: Um, sure. Do you have, like, Clueless?  
  
Erik: I despise that movie. All those ditzy girls, using those horribly overdone cliches. I  
  
just can't stand it. (long awkward silence)  
  
Christine: Anyhow, like, do you have it?  
  
Erik: (flatly) My VCR ate it.  
  
Christine: Oh. What else you got?  
  
Erik: I have Dead Poets Society.  
  
Christine: Like, EEEW!!!! Who wants to watch a movie about some icky dead guys??  
  
Erik: Well, it isn't exactly about dead guys. I think it's a very good movie. Makes some  
  
good points about individuality and it has a lot of integrety and artistic credit....and you  
  
don't give a whit about any of that, do you?  
  
Christine: Nope! What else is there?  
  
Erik: I have the entire first season of Batman: TAS.  
  
Christine: I don't like Batman. He's creepy. I like Superman.  
  
Erik: Yeah, you would.... (sits down at the piano) I could play you something.  
  
Christine: Awesome! Do you, like, know anything by Britany Spears?  
  
Erik: (glowers at her) No!  
  
Christine: Um, like, ok. How about, like, N*Sync? They're dreamy!  
  
Erik: Tell ya what. I'll play something nice with some musical validity, and you shut your  
  
trap and listen, mm-kay?  
  
Christine: Uh! Like, don't use such big words! It, like, confuses me!  
  
Erik: (muttering) I'll bet. (proceeds to play something similar to MOTN, but different  
  
enough so that ALW won't flay my hide. He also sings with it. *drool*)  
  
Christine: Ooooh.pwetty! (passes out in Erik's arms)  
  
Erik: Well, this worked out nicely!  
  
(the next morning)  
  
Christine: (waking up) Oh, man.like, I REALLY need some Valume. (notices Erik  
  
composing) Dude, it's that guy. Damn, he didn't tell me, like, who he was. An' I like,  
  
promised myself that I wouldn't like, y'know, spend the night with any more strange men  
  
when I, like, don't know who they are. Oh well. Better late than, like, never. (rips off his  
  
mask) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Erik: God dammit! (hastily covers face) What in hell possessed you to do that? Aren't  
  
you up on your mythology?  
  
Christine: (stops screaming long enough to be confused) Like, huh?  
  
Erik: You know..Psyche and Eros..Pandora's box..the woman who wanted to see  
  
Zeus' true face and got burnt to a crisp..Is ANY of this ringing a bell? (Christine shakes her head stupidly. Erik smacks his head on the floor) All right, put the mask down and  
  
nobody gets hurt!  
  
Christine: Ew! Like, you look SO gross!  
  
Erik: (sarcastically) Gee, I hadn't noticed. Now gimmie!  
  
Christine: Ewewewewewewewewew! I can't believe I, like, thought about sleeping with  
  
you!  
  
Erik: So that's out of the question now, huh? Yeah, I kinda figured..  
  
Christine: Can't you get some, like, cream or stuff to fix that?  
  
Erik: Look! It's hard enough for me to deal with this without you freaking out on me, all  
  
right? (giving her puppy eyes) I wish I could be handsome for you.I wish I could be  
  
your perfect gentleman and everything you would want me to be.everything I could  
  
never be for you.but all I can hope is that.that you're able to see past my appearance.  
  
That you're not shallow and petty like everyone else. Please. I'm just a man, standing in  
  
front of a girl, asking her to love him. (awww)  
  
Christine: Like, fat chance, LOSER!  
  
Erik: (looks hurt) Please..  
  
Christine: (chucks the mask at him) Here's your stupid mask! Probably has, like, UGLY  
  
cooties anyhow. (wipes hands off on dress)  
  
Erik: (replacing the mask hastily) Come on. Someone's gonna think you got mugged if I  
  
don't bring you back soon. (leads her off)  
  
(later)  
  
Raoul: Dude. Where's that little hottie Christine?  
  
Christine: (popping up) I'm here!  
  
Raoul: Yo baby, where you been? I been goin' crazy wit-out chew.  
  
Christine: I still, like, don't understand you.but I'm sure that was, like, really sweet.  
  
(cuddles with him)  
  
Raoul: Oh yeah, dat biz'natch Carlotta was bitchin' about you. She done stole your part.  
  
An' I got dis trippin' note from some brotha callin hisself "OG" Dawg.  
  
Christine: Whoa, that is soooo weird. I, like, just came from his place!  
  
Raoul: Well, I'm rorally gonna trash his azz when I find him. An' I'm gonna find him by  
  
sittin' in his box. I'm gonna show that bi'otch who da man! WOO!  
  
Christine: Um, like, whatever.  
  
(at the performance)  
  
Carlotta: (now a raving queen, and yes, I mean a man in drag) Oh gawd, I wish we were  
  
doing Pajama Game! Oh well. Anywho, I'm just fabulous and you're not! Hahahahaha!  
  
Erik: (from nowhere) You fuckers are the sorriest excuse for an opera company I've ever  
  
seen. And what the HELL is that dumbass doing in my box?  
  
Christine: (yelling at Erik, whom she can't see) Like, can't you leave me alone for like, 5  
  
minutes? You have some MAJOR control issues!  
  
Carlotta: Shut UUUP! I cannot work like this you skinny little bitch!  
  
Erik: NOBODY calls MY girl a bitch, you bitch!  
  
Carlotta: Hmph! See if I renew my contract! Anywho.I'm just fabul-woof! (blinks)  
  
Ahem, I'm just fa-WOOF WOOF! (covers mouth)  
  
Erik: And, by the way, FOP.I WANT MY SEAT!!!  
  
Carlotta: Woof woof woof.oh shit! (runs off)  
  
Christine: Well now what the hell am I supposed to do? (wanders off)  
  
Manager 1: (skidding to a stop centre stage) Ummm. Technical difficulty. We're gonna  
  
fix things.uh.in the meantime here's some mindless drivel-oh! I mean, here's a  
  
totally boss dance mix. (runs off and the dancers run on and begin their set)  
  
Erik: This seriously blows. (starts dropping lights and making shadows to screw up the  
  
dancers. Finally a body falls from the rafters.)  
  
Manager 2: Look! It's Jow Buquet! That fucked up stagehand who kept seeing  
  
Phantoms!  
  
Manager 1: He's dead!  
  
Everyone 'cept Erik: OH CRAP! AAAAAAAAAHHH!  
  
Christine: Like, OH! My God! Oh my GOD! Oh MY God!  
  
Raoul: Yo! Lez get outta here!  
  
Christine: Let's go to the roof and make out!  
  
Raoul: K-diggity. (they run off)  
  
Erik: Dammit.  
  
(on the roof)  
  
Raoul: So wassup chica?  
  
Christine: Like, it was the Phantom! He messed up the show!  
  
Raoul: Yo, sweety! There ain't no Phantom! You're on crack!  
  
Christine: But I, like, SAW him! And was NASTY lookin'! (gets a ditzy little look on her  
  
face) But, like, he was still, like, REALLY hot! And he's kinda cute.but not, like, cute-  
  
cute.more like one of those really grody hairless rats.y'know, like, they're so god-  
  
awful disgusting it's kinda cute 'cause they're like, so pathetic?  
  
Raoul: That didn't EVEN make no sense!  
  
Erik: (hiding behind statue) She digs me.  
  
Christine: Like, what was that?  
  
Raoul: Yo. I wanna be your man.  
  
Christine: OK.  
  
Raoul: Who's yo daddy?  
  
Christine: Ummm..Daddy Daae?  
  
Raoul: (slaps forehead) Um.no.I'M yo daddy.  
  
Christine: Huh? That's like, so GROSS!  
  
Raoul: No, no, no. PIMP daddy. You ma bitch.  
  
Christine: I am, like, SO insulted!  
  
Raoul: No, no, baby. That's a GOOD thing.  
  
Christine: (Whining) Like, but I don't want to be a bitch!  
  
Raoul: Nevermind. Jus' be ma lova.  
  
Christine: Mm-k!  
  
(they run off)  
  
Erik: (emerging from behind the statue) I think I'm going to gag. After all I've DONE for  
  
her! I need to smash something! (storms off)  
  
Christine: (onstage) Like, OH MY GOD! THE CHANDELIER!  
  
(CRASH)  
  
Erik: I feel so much better!  
  
(End Act 1) 


	2. Act 2

ACT 2  
  
(at the masquerade)  
  
Manager 1: Wonder where that Phantom guy went.  
  
Manager 2: Yeah, he hasn't been around lately.  
  
Carlotta: Good riddance! Are my fishnets straight?  
  
Manager 2: What a great New Year!  
  
Carlotta: And I Just looooove that new chandelier!  
  
Manager 1: Yup.  
  
Raoul: Hey baby! What're yooooo doin'? (note: this last said a la beer commercial)  
  
Christine: like, I dunno! (smiles blankly)  
  
Raoul: C'mere. (kisses her. *gag*)  
  
Christine: Like, I'm so happy we're engaged. And, like, I'm so glad you gave me this  
  
huge chunk of ice! (fiddles with gaudy ring on her necklace)  
  
Raoul: Honey, I got dab ling-bling. Boss threads sweety. Show off that sweet ghetto  
  
booty! (breaks into a chorus of I Like Big Butts and break-dances until Christine smacks  
  
him)  
  
Christine: Like, I do NOT have a ghetto booty!  
  
(Suddenly the Phantom appears dressed as the Red Death)  
  
Carlotta: Oh my GAWD! I LOVE that outfit!  
  
Erik: that's it, I'm burning this suit!  
  
Carlotta: Well! (sticks nose in the air and walks off)  
  
Erik: Hey you! Morons! (everyone looks at him) Wow, they can be taught! Anywho, I  
  
wrote this opera! It's awesome! Now, do it or I'm gonna smite you or something! (tosses  
  
the opera at the managers, then descends the stairs) What the hell is that? Christine, you  
  
got some splainin' to do! (looks at the ring on Christine's necklace) You're MY girl! I  
  
made you, I can break-his spine! (smacks Raoul, then disappears in a cool puff of  
  
smoke)  
  
Raoul: Ow.  
  
Manager 2: OK, your entrance was good..His was better!  
  
(After the masquerade Raoul is trying to find out what the smeg is going on. He finds  
  
Mme Giry to ask her about it, 'cause she's old and she knows everything.)  
  
Giry: So you want to know 'bout the ghost? Stand up straight! Chillins today!  
  
Raoul: Yeah, I needz to know 'bout dis Phantom brotha. He messin' wit ma WOman. I  
  
oughtta smack him up old school!  
  
Giry: (hits Raoul over the head with her stick) Speak proper young'un! Can't unnerstand  
  
a damn word! Reckon yer not too old to be taken 'cross my knee! (waves stick  
  
menacingly)  
  
Raoul: (scared) Word.  
  
Giry: Anyhow.the Opera Ghost..Yes, I seem to recall. It was waay back. My mama  
  
had taken me to the province fair. There were all sorts of wonderful acts and sweets. That  
  
was back when young people appreciated things! And we had to work hard to go to that  
  
carny. Yessir! And a peppermint stick would cost a centime! Those were the days! It  
  
was-  
  
Raoul: Umm, could we hit this on the fast side? I gots me a hookup tonite!  
  
Giry: (hits him with stick again) Don't speak lessen yer spoken to! Now, where was I?  
  
Oh yes. The fair. Anyhow, I saw this kid in a cage. 'Course this wasn't all that unusual  
  
because back in MY day when you were naughty ya got whupped. An' we dada walk 10  
  
kilometers barefoot in the snow to school! But this young'un, he were different. He  
  
looked like a pole cat'd scraped him upside the face with a brance from a ugly tree! But  
  
he were an industrious lil feller. Built a lotta stuff. Damn fine composer too! But a mite  
  
mischievious, seein' as how the man in charge of him kep' whuppin' on him.  
  
Raoul: So, OG Dawg be dat young'un..I mean, dat brat?  
  
Giry: Reckon so. But I wouldn't be sayin' too much iffin I was you. Bad things'll  
  
happen.  
  
Raoul: Riiiiight.  
  
(the managers office. Everyone is inside yapping about Erik's score, Don Juan  
  
Triumphant. After a bit Christine and Raoul join the festivities.)  
  
Carlotta: You skanky little ho! The lead shoulda been MINE! Even though I think this  
  
whole thing is stupid and a waste of time!  
  
Christine: Like, I don't want the stupid part! I just, like, wanna go shopping!  
  
Raoul: Dude! Check it! I got me a killer plan!  
  
Manager 2: Really?  
  
Manager 1: Do tell. Oh. Please.  
  
Raoul: Here's da lowdown. If Christine sings, OG Dawf is a definite show! We get a  
  
bunch o' rent-a-cops on hand and when he show his ugly mug, BOOM! We pop a cap in  
  
him! I pity da foo' dat mess wit me!  
  
Manager 1: Whatever.  
  
Manager 2: Damn straight!  
  
Giry: You fucking ijits.  
  
Christine: Um, like, isn't everone forgetting, like, this teensy-tiny detail?  
  
Manager 2: Wazzat?  
  
Christine: ME!  
  
Raoul: Huh?  
  
Christine: Like, I SO do NOT want to do this! Your plan, like, sucks! The Phantom will,  
  
like, y'know, GET ME!  
  
Raoul: Yo, babe. Dis plan be fool proof. An' yo shuga-daddy be right there for ya, babe.  
  
Watch m'now!  
  
Christine: Like, oh GOD. I am so TOTALLY conflicted! Like, Erik taught me, like,  
  
EVERYTHING. Like, but YOU'RE really hot, Raoul! Dammit! I feel like I'm on a soap  
  
opera! (runs off)  
  
Raoul: Yo! Phantom! I'm gonna give you da smackdown!  
  
(Christine visits her father's grave in hopes of receiving guidance as to what she should  
  
do)  
  
Christine: Like, Daddy? I, like, miss you SOOO much! But, like, I gotta move on now.  
  
This dwelling thing is, like, SO unhealthy!  
  
Erik: Hey, Christine! Up here! (appears from behind cross)  
  
Christine: Like, Angel?  
  
Erik: It's me! Come on, this place is depressing. I have cheesecake and Haggendaas back  
  
at the lair!  
  
Christine: Oh man! Like, is it Rocky Road?  
  
Erik: Yup. And I have Julia Roberts movies. I thought we could watch them together.  
  
Raoul: (hiding behind headstone) He's trying to bribe her with comfort food and chick  
  
flicks!  
  
Erik: All is forgiven. Let me take care of you.  
  
Christine: Like, I was SO stupid to EVER turn my back on you!  
  
Raoul: Aw hell! Yo, Christine! You trippin'? Dis is da bad guy! Who's yo daddy? He  
  
ain't yo daddy!  
  
Erik: Come to me, Christine. I'm a good cook, and I have a 5 figure monthly salary!  
  
(throws those spiffy fireballs at Raoul's head as he entices Christine towards him)  
  
Raoul: Yo, ya fucker! Whaddaya think you doin'? C'mon Christine! (grabs her and runs  
  
off)  
  
Erik: Now ya gone and done it! Now I'm REALLY CHEESED OFF!  
  
(Don Juan, opening night. Foppy McFopfop a.k.a. Raoul is in Box 5 [some people never  
  
learn], and the house is crawling with fat, balding, rent-a-cops)  
  
Fat tenor: (as Don Juan) I'm gonna get some! Oh yeah, baby! (Turns to Passarino) Hey,  
  
here's my threads. You know the plan. I'd repeat it, but I don't understand it, personally.  
  
Christine: (as Aminta) Like, I think this guy's a gentleman. But, just in case, I have mace  
  
in my purse!  
  
Fat tenor: (quickly hiding behind curtain) Yo, dude. Get lost! The chick's here! ACK!  
  
(dies and Erik takes his place)  
  
Erik: (Emerging from behind the curtain in the tenor's costume. Which, incidentally,  
  
looks a helluva lot better on Erik, even though all you can see is a big hooded cloak)  
  
Welcome to the Love Shack, sweet thing! Don't deny what your inner self is telling you.  
  
And I know it's saying, "Go for it! Forget the fop!" You can't leave anyhow. The door's  
  
locked.  
  
Christine: (not even noticing that the acting/singing quality of her co- star has improved  
  
by a million times) You're like so hot. I can't tell you how often I've fantasized about  
  
this! Let's make out! What else is there to do? I can't leave anyhow, the door is locked.  
  
(During this very touching and beautiful song, Erik starts to get a leeetle too intense.  
  
Also, Christine, in trying to feel him up, notices he has a mask on under the costume [she  
  
got lost OK? It's Christine] although it takes her a little while she eventually makes the  
  
connection and exposes him as the Phantom. [although just plain exposing him would  
  
have been much more fun])  
  
Erik: Yeah, this plan blew goats for beer money. But it's still not half as stupid as your  
  
boyfriend's. (makes puppy eyes) I'm really sorry I've been so clingy. It's just hard for  
  
me. A guy can only play so many games of solitare! Anyhow, it seemed like a good idea  
  
until I sobered up just now. (produces a plain, but elegant ring and approaches Christine)  
  
Oh, my love, my darlin' I've hungered for your touch a long lonely time..(breaks into  
  
song) And tiiiiime go-ooes by-ie, so slo-o-owly! And time can do so-o much, a-are yo-ou  
  
still miiiiiine? (Christine, who is a ditz, pulls off Erik's mask, exposing his face to the  
  
whole theatre. And for those of you taking bets, the song was Unchained Melody)  
  
Raoul: (who is slower than the average bear) Dude! It's the Phantom! Ice him!  
  
Erik: (seeing all the rent-a-cops waddling towards him) This is the best you could do?!  
  
(looks up at Raoul incredulously) You are SO pathetic! (grabs Christine and casually  
  
walks offstage)  
  
(Backstage we see everyone having a panic attack about the dead tenor and all the other  
  
stuff going on. Raoul finds Mme Giry)  
  
Raoul: Yo! Yo! He got Christine! Dat prick got ma bitch!  
  
Giry: Language! (hits him)  
  
Raoul: OW! Don't just hit me, help!  
  
Giry: Welp, I ken getcha down to his lair. But remember, yer hand at the level of your  
  
eyes! (puts hand up)  
  
Raoul: You gotta be shittin' me!  
  
Giry: Language! (hits him again)  
  
Raoul: OW! All right! All right! Yo, lez make like terrorists and blow dis place!  
  
(Meanwhile down in the lair. Erik has gotten Christine into a wedding dress. We will  
  
pretend this happened by magic because I really don't want to imply anything happened  
  
while they were in the boat. Considering she started the trip down to the lair in a different  
  
dress and I'm pretty sure there weren't any changing rooms on the way down. Nope, I'm  
  
not implying anything. Not at all.)  
  
Erik: (tapping foot and glaring up at the author) Are you quite done yet? (Yes, yes I am.  
  
Carry on.) Thank you. Where was I? Oh yes. (turns to Christine) Sometimes I think  
  
you're too stupid to BREATHE! I'm going to keep you down here with me so you don't  
  
hurt yourself with something complicated, like a TAPE DISPENSER. Besides, I'm sick  
  
of sitting down here all by myself watching reruns of Seinfeld! It could drive a person  
  
crazy I tell you! 'Specially that Kramer guy..(loses focus and starts to wander off on a  
  
small tangent)  
  
Christine: Like, you jerk! I like, LIKED you! Then you pull a stunt like this! I'm mean,  
  
killing people is so icky!  
  
Erik: Well kiss my deformed Phantom ass! I don't care!  
  
Christine: I'm going to hold my breath until you take me back!  
  
Erik: (slaps forehead) Explain to me again why I like this twit? (she scoops up a deep  
  
breath and her chest rises slightly) Oh yeah..  
  
Christine: (turns slightly blue then lets out breath and gasps for air) Whoa. I like, feel  
  
sooo dizzy!  
  
(Meanwhile, an Angry Mob has gotten together and is bumbling it's way down after  
  
Raoul and Giry)  
  
Giry: My arthritis is kickin' in. You're on yer own kiddo. (leaves)  
  
Raoul: (peers down into the lake) Eeeew. I've seen port-a-potties cleaner than that!  
  
(jumps in anyhow and starts swimming) Oh God..that was slimey AND moving!  
  
(back in the lair)  
  
Erik: (hearing Raoul complaining about the water) I think your little foppy- poo is here.  
  
Christine: Huh?  
  
Raoul: (pressing himself against the grate) Yo! Let me in!  
  
Erik: I suppose you've come for Christine?  
  
Raoul: No dude. I come for a TOWEL! The lake be nappy!  
  
Christine: Like, Raoul!  
  
Raoul: Oh, hi baby! OPEN UP! (pounds on grate)  
  
Erik: La la la! I'm not listening ! (puts fingers in ears)  
  
Christine: like, forget it Raoul. He's got more issues than the Osborn family.  
  
Raoul: Yo! Babydoll! I needs you! You ma woman! An' you so FINE, I gots to show you  
  
off to all my hommies back in da 'hood! I needz ya ta be ma bitch!  
  
Erik: Are you listening to yourself? Do you have any IDEA how idiotic and egocentric  
  
you sound? What lady in her right mind would-  
  
Christine: Like, I really wanna be with you too, Raoul!  
  
Erik: (jaw hits the ground) WHAT?! OK, that's IT Raoulykins, kiss your ass goodbye!  
  
(opens grate. Christine rushes to Raoul and hugs him)  
  
Christine: (pushing away from Raoul) Like, gag! You smell like ass!  
  
Raoul: Yo, ya eva think 'bout gettin' a filter for that skeezy-azz lake?  
  
Erik: Hey fop! You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?  
  
Raoul: Huh?  
  
Erik: (shrugs) Saw it in a movie once. (slips the Punjab lasso around Raoul's neck)  
  
Raoul: (feeling the noose tighten around his neck) AGH!  
  
GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!  
  
Erik: (grabbing Christine) This guy is a LOSER! Stick with me! If you like his head  
  
attached to his shoulders you'll stay down here! 'Cause if you leave I'm gonna smash  
  
him like a bug just to keep his grimy mitts off you!  
  
Christine: You are, like, so TOTALLY psycho! I hate you!  
  
Raoul: Aw DUDE! I really fucked up, didn't I?  
  
Christine: Yeah, yeah you did.  
  
Erik: (setting egg timer) You have two minutes. I'm a busy Phantom. I do have other  
  
things to do tonight, you know.  
  
Christine: I am, like, SO upset! YOU JERK!  
  
(long awkward silence)  
  
Erik: (DING) Time's up. Well?  
  
Christine: You're so pathetic..it's almost sexy! (kisses Erik, much to his, and Raoul's  
  
surprise)  
  
Raoul: Yeah, babe. That's great. That's enough..um.I think he gets the message.you  
  
can stop now..Hey! Don't put your hand there!  
  
Erik: Whoa..That was.wow.(blinks and glances over at Raoul who is slowly  
  
choking to death. Christine looks at Erik pleadingly) Allright, FINE! (cuts Raoul down,  
  
then punches him in the stomach) Get the hell outta my lair.  
  
Angry Mob: (approaching the lair) Heeeeeeeeere's Johnny!  
  
Christine: Like, let's go! This guy seriously needs some Prozac or Riddlin or something!  
  
(helps Raoul up)  
  
Erik: Hurry up and beat it or they'll find you! Just forget about me!...like everyone else  
  
does..go away....(shoos them out of his lair, then sits down on the floor and cries.  
  
Poor baby) Well this has been a shitty day.  
  
Christine: (returns and gives back his ring) Um.like, gold really isn't my  
  
colour..(starts to walk away)  
  
Erik: Christine! (stops her) I-I love you..  
  
(Christine walks off and immediately starts ragging Raoul about how he NEVER tells her  
  
that HE loves her. And he needs a haircut. And take off that silly-ass hat! And find some  
  
clothes that FIT!)  
  
Angry Mob: We're here!  
  
Erik: (flatly) Nobody's home.  
  
Angry Mob: Oh. Right then. Let's all go get drunk. (all leave)  
  
Erik: The people around here are all idiots. I really need to move. (walks off, chucking  
  
his mask behind him in frustration. As he wanders off he whistles Always Look on the  
  
Bright Side of Life. END) 


End file.
